April 1, 2008...10:18 am
Buttock Authentication Scrapes Through IEEE Approval Process By Seat Of Pants
In an exclusive interview at BlueClock headquarters in Brussels, ButtLock CTO, Ralf Piloo, today announced that they have received approval from the IEEE to put their latest security innovation into production. While the world’s eyes have been focussed on Microsoft’s struggle at the ISO to get approval for OOXML, Piloo has been patiently working the political back channels in preparation for the day when he can finally reveal his brain child to the world. Yes, today, we have the great honour to be announcing the ground breaking new technology of Buttock Authentication ®.
The following is a transcript of our interview.
Buttocks : Gateway To The Future
GW: “Let’s begin by you giving us an overview of Buttock Authentication ® and your modest plans for how it can revolutionise the world.”
RP: “Well, we’ve been looking for a universal solution for user authentication for quite some time now. The key problem is that everyone has to be able to use it without thinking. It should also provide a secure and unique set of attributes for every person on the planet. We’ve been is secret talks with Microsoft and Apple for years now but finding a solution that everyone could agree on was nigh on impossible until we struck upon buttocks.”
“Our ButtLock device will be the first chair/office seating solution that can log you on to your computer with out you having to lift a finger. All you have to do is what you would do anyway; sit down. It’s simple and secure. It’s one of these great paradigm shifts that begin with a slight change in the way we use technology. We’re sure this is going to be a huge hit. People love it when there’s one less thing to do.”
“After a year or so we’re going to open source all the code and then it’ll become a real bottom up technology.”
GW: “You’re making some pretty big claims that buttock authentication is the log on solution that everyone will adopt. But what about accessibility and internationalisation issues?”
RP: “Hey, everyone has buttocks… well maybe not those skinny boys in Franz Ferdinand.. but generally speaking everyone has buttocks. And we’ve done a lot of research in this area and we can definitely be considered the leaders. We concluded that buttocks cross all language and ability barriers.”
GW: “You’ve mentioned sitting a few times. Isn’t that the Achilles Heel of this project? Aren’t you constraining people by insisting that they sit down to log on? What about mobile workers?”
RP: “Mobile workers are a massive growth area along with people who, for some reason, like to work standing up. Naturally, we’ve go that covered. We’ll also be launching mButtLock later today which is a pair of wi-fi enabled boxers/panties that read your buttock signature and transmit the authentication information to any devices within range. With our new ButtLock range, we’ll be taking the company where no company has gone before”
GW: “What about other applications beyond authentication?”
RP: “That’s a great question. You’re right, this does go beyond security. For example, we have scientists in our labs right now working on all sorts of useful FaceBook plugins. Just think, in a few weeks, you might be able to automatically update your FaceBook status with insightful messages such as “I’m sitting down.” or “I’ve just stood up.” The possibilities are endless. You could even send message such as “I’m a bit warm”.”
“Employers are going to love it as well as you’ll be able to monitor a user’s temperature. Because of the bi-directional nature of ButtLock the authentication server can send information to you that goes way beyond, “Hello and thank you for sitting down”. If your temperature falls below a certain level employers will be able to send a mildly irritating charge of electricity to your ButtLock in order to determine if you are dead or merely asleep at your workstation.”
GW: “That sounds great and I can see why people will be rushing adopt this systems, but what about people on a diet? How do you cope with changing buttock shapes?
RP: “I can’t go into that too much at the moment, but what I can say is we don’t just track the buttock shape. There are a number of parameters that we use to identify the user including warmth, wriggle rate and velocity of sitting. Also each time you log on successfully, we resample your buttocks, so provided you don’t take a really long vacation and lose lot’s of weight then you should be OK. ButtLock grows with you.”
So there you have it. A new dawn in security technology. We’ve had the e the x and now the i as the cool prefix for all things tech. Could the day of “b” have arrived.
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